Human and Australian
by 8annie81
Summary: In a very weak attempt at evil Doofensmirtz accidentally turns Perry into a teenage boy. Oddly enough Vanessa is intrigued (in a platonic way, I have nothing against you if you ship Perrysmirtz or PerryXVanessa or Candace and Perry it's just not my slice of pie)
1. Stuck with mirth

Fear crept into Perry's sweet dream of watching the boys build a device that stopped anything ending in inator from working. Which he'd known from the beginning was a far fetched dream.

A menacing robot burst through the drywall and crumpled the garage door like it was paper. He squirmed as the remote was torn from Ferbs hands by pinching robotic ones. The boys fell back in fear as a laser was raised. He found himself unable to move as if glued to the floor. Looking down he discovered he was glued to the floor. Looking back up just in time to see the laser go off.

He was in so many levels of pain he didn't even attempt to dodge as the robot hands grabbed at him.

Wait. Something was grabbing him. Ow!

He opened an eye and then quickly snapped it shut rolling it out of place before he opened it again. Relief racked through his body. He was at home at the end of Phineas' bed.

Opening his other eye and blinking lamely he threw himself whole-heartily at Phineas, nuzzling him and purring.

"Aw, good morning to you too Perry! Now just hold one one second." Phineas pushed Perry back and took out an odd metal device and measured Perry's head.

It was harder work than you might think to fight off a fond smile.

'_Hey',_ Perry thought, _'Where's Ferb?'_

"Hey Ferb!" The red-head called drawing his near mute brother into the room. "I've got Perry right here!"

Ferb had some kind of collar in his hands. It looked heavy and metal and possibly attention worthy enough to blow his cover. He squirmed away from Phineas and onto a dresser. Phineas lunged at him and he walked just fast enough on his four little legs to get away.

Perry climbed onto the window sill and out the open window. This was ten times more activity than the boys ever got to see from him. He hadn't expected Phineas to come put on the ledge after him. His boys did always aim to surprise.

"It's okay Perry! I've got you. Don't worry. I've got you." Phineas put his hands up in a pacifying manor and Perry had to relent his end of the chaise.

Once Phineas had got then both inside Perry recived a tender hug from each boy and rewarded them by purring.

"I don't think he wants to wear our collar Ferb." Phineas said calmly.

At Ferbs dejected look Perry sighed a small pet sigh and resigned himself to rubbing on the green haired kids leg.

Ferb smiled and after exchanging measurements with Phineas he put the collar around the monotremes neck.

"Is Perry's collar online Ferb?" Phineas asked.

After a thumbs up was delivered by his silent brother Phineas pulled some sort of radar out of his pocket. "Wanna know what we're gonna do today Perry?"

Perry chattered in response.

"We're gonna see where you go everyday!"

Perry woke up wide eyed and looked around. Two nightmares in a row. Obviously that meant he was in for a real treat.

He ran a paw over the top of his head and sighed. A beeping came from under his curled body. Peering down at his watch he couldn't help but thank the distraction it would be from his troublesome dreams.

Chattering at the watch his thanks he stood and placed his fedora onto his head. He then ran out onto the window ledge. Suffering déjà vous for a moment as he expected a worried Phineas to follow him.

When one did not he whistled, calling his logo'd hang glider. He rode the hang glider straight down before pulling up at the last possible second. He dipped down right behind the fence of the Flynn-Fletcher backyard.

A hole opened in the ground in the shape of a circle as two grass covered metal doors slip apart. Sliding through this tunnel he landed in the chair and saluted at Major Monogram.

"Ah Agent P. Nice timing."

He chattered his thanks.

"To your left Carl has his hands on your method of transportation. And to your right is a new statue of me-that uh doesn't help you with your mission, but uh...it's nice isn't it?"

Perry rolled his eyes and pattered over to Carl on his webbed feet. Carl was leaning on what looked to be a cauldren.

_'What?' _Perry thought in amusement, _'has Carl learned magic?'_

After placing the cauldron into a cardboard box he said, "Okay Perry! Get in!"

Eyeing him suspiciously for a moment Perry did as he was told and Carl sealed the box.

"How's my mustache sir?" Carl asked.

'_Was this the plan?' _Perry thought in annoyance. _'Have Carl deliver me to my evil scientist practically gift wrapped? All the while wearing a bad disguise?'_

Apparently yes , it was.

Perry leaned against the cauldron, glaring at nothing as Carl hummed his theme song off key. After what seemed to be several flights of stairs in a row-didn't Carl know there was an elevator?-and several stops along the way for Carl to catch his breath, Carl finally knocked on a door.

"Package-." Carl wheezed. "For H-Heinz Doof-fensmirtz."

The door opened and a familiar, but unexpected voice asked, "Are you okay?"

The box jolted. "Oh-um yes! I'm fine!"

So Carl was meeting Vanessa, nice. The box exchanged hands and he heard Carl begin to leave. "Um.." He heard Vanessa say.

"Yeah!" Carl spun and asked a bit too enthusiasticly. Perry couldn't help but cringe for the guy.

"You know there's an elevator, right?" Vanessa asked.

Carls resulting groan told them both, he did not.

Vanessa's heels clicked as she came inside and shut the door. "Dad! Package!"

"Ooh what is it? What is it?" The accented scientist called as he ran in the room.

"How should I know?" She asked in annoyance stalking out of the room.

"Sheesh." Doofensmirtz said after she'd left the room.

Perry expected to be able to jump right out of the cauldron and attack, but it's sides were slick and Doofensmirtz was spinning it around in excitement.

"Ooh it's here, it's here!" He exclaimed. "Eh it's kind of dirty." He put it down and Perry took it as his chance to regain his bearings.

"But that won't stop me, from taking over THE TRI-STATES AREA! Hahaha!"

"Ug! Stop doing that!" His moody daughter called.

"The tri-states area. Ahh." Doofensmirtz whispered quietly to himself. "Now to fire the CauldronKettelBlackinator."

Perry started to stand again when all too quickly a beam of light surrounded him. He gasped as he felt himself growing in the pot.

All at once he went from a bit under two feet tall, to nearly six feet. His legs folded together in the shrinking room and he was forced to cross them.

Sitting upright and feeling confused his eyes caught sight of an even more confused evil scientist.

"Perry the cauldron!"

Well he was wearing his hat. God forbid he be sitting on it. That would be inconvieniamt, what with his legs stuck and all.

He shook his head at the scientist resisting the urge to put his palm over his face.

"Perry the human?"

Perry nodded.

"Are you stuck?"

With an aggrivated sigh he nodded again.

Doofensmirtz blinked for a moment before exclaiming, "...Just as I planned!"

Eyeroll. _'Get on with it, already!'_

Intutivly knowing, as one only can when long aqainted, Doofensmirtz huffed at Perry's unspoken thought. "Okay, okay! Sheesh! You're worse than Vanessa. So impatient. Young people these days! Really!"

Young people? Perry looked at himself a moment.

He was wearing teal boxers and brown socks, odd, but at least he wasn't nude. His skin was tight as only a young persons is, but unable to see his own face and not being much of a human body age expert he didn't really know how young.

Accepting this information and looked back up. Doofensmirtz was rambling something about the pot calling the kettel black. Sure enough there was a kettle to his left.

_ 'Wait a minute, how is this evil?'_

"Oh don't judge me Perry the...Perry. I'd have made it evil somehow!"

Eyeroll.

"I would!"

_'Okay. If you say so.' _Perry thought as he placed his hands on the edge of the cauldron and attempted to get out.

"Don't give me that! You know what? You are way too sarcastic and sarcasm is the lowest form of humor."

Perry ignored him and squirmed, turning his hips and torso rapidly as he began to panic. He was stuck, really stuck. This was bad, very bad. Traps Doofensmirtz made always had a flaw, but this was an accident. He could really be in trouble here.

Taking a few deep breaths he wrenched his leg up. Nothing happened so he tried the other. No success their either.

"Are you ignoring me?"

His head jerked back up to his nemesis.

Hands on hips and face crunched up in distaste. Normally they'd be battling by now. Normally he wasn't human and stuck in a cauldron. So Doofensmirtz can deal with a bit of rudeness on his part, he decided.

Maybe this was just another nightmare. He pinched himself. No, no this was no dream.

"Did you just pinch yourself?"

Perry continued struggling.

"Are you okay? You look kind of pale?"

_'I'm stuck in a hot cauldron that I've been in for several flights of stairs, you just spun me around like a rag-doll! I had nightmares all morning, I'm human, I'm stuck, I'm half nak-!'_

"Oh my god." Vanessa said from a doorway. "What is going on? Is that Perry? Is he...naked?"

"He's Perry the human. Apparently my KettleCauldronBlackinator works on platypuses."

"And he's, he's not wearing clothes? Is he?" Vanessa asked in growing annoyance. "Dad your hobbies are so weird." Her eyes widened for a moment. "How did he get like that? Was it an accident?"

Perry nodded and Doofensmirtz exclaimed, "No!"

The two shared a knowing look and rolled their eyes.

"Whatever." She said beginning to walk away. This wasn't even worth busting, but something stopped her from leaving. So she stayed, leaning at the door way to listen in.

The rambling continued.

Finally Perry cleared his throat. _'Is this going somewhere? I do have a life you know.'_

Frustrated Doofensmirtz attmited. "No this was my plan and you foiled it by getting stuck in a cauldron. Curse you Perry the platypus."

Realization struck him. It was about now that he was always foiled. It was about now that Perry left, went home or back to his agency. He really wwas cutting into Perry's other life. And to Doofensmirtz absolute mirth the former platypus was embarrassed about it.

The evil scientist giggled.

For about the tenth time that day alone Perry rolled his eyes. _'What?'_

Doofensmirtz smiled. "You look so annoyed."

"Because I am annoyed! I'm stuck here!" He yelled and then clamped a hand over his mouth. 'I can talk?' He waited a moment feeling his teeth with his tounge. "I...can talk."

"Oh that's so cool Perry the-hm. You need a new name."

"Yeah, the whole platypus thing doesn't really suit him anymore." Vanessa agreed. "Do you have any-like alias'?"

Perry scoffed. "I've got one, but it's locker room foder. Not something I'd want the world calling me." He chuckled. "My mates used to call me Perry the Prat-e-pus."

Vanessa clutched her hands in front of her chest and smiled uncharacteristically. "Oh my god. You're Australian."

He nodded feeling a bit frightened at her sudden interest.

"So if I was to say Aussie, Aussie, Aussie?" Doofensmirtz asked mockingly.

Perry sighed. "I'd say Oi, Oi, Oi." He was getting a small amount of motion from his thigh. It'd take some work, but he'd be free eventually.


	2. Giggles and curses

"We're not going to talk about the O.W.C.A." Perry said with finality to a puppy pouting scientist."

"Perry Salone, Perry Smith, Perry Styles." Vanessa rambled on.

"Stop naming names! I don't need one! I'm just Perry!"

"What if Perry was your last name?" Vannesa asked herself out loud. "Anothony Perry, Andrew Perry...RICK Perry." She giggled.

Perry rolled his eyes and then let out a little breath of air._ 'If Ferb knew how much I roll my eyes he'd try and make a perpetual motion generator out of me.' _He entertained himself with the thought, snickering a bit.

The funniest part being that he could imagine the little boy, completely stoic and serious hooking him up to some tiny device and powering Danvil with it. The boys never failed to amaze him. He smiled fondly at the thought.

"What? What's so funny?"

He chuckled fondly before answering. "...It's nothing. Just..a...family thing." He smiled again.

Father and daughter changed glances before berating him with questions about his home life. He dodged, deflected, and ignored all of them.

He almost had he knee loose he could feel it. Just a little longer...

"Alright fine, but I won't tell you anything you could use to find them. One question each."

This slowed them down.

After a moment Doofensmirtz asked, "Are you married? Do you have kids?"

"That's two questions dad." Vanessa huffed.

"It's fine. No and yes."

"Oh do animals not get married?"

Perry thought a moment and almost said no. "Swans do, I think and some dogs, but no Platypus I've met ever has." The thought making him a little bit sad he decided to add something funny. "There was a story going around in Africa about a penguin marrying a bobble headed hula doll, but I don't know how credible that is."

Ignoring his humor and staying on topic Vanessa asked, "Wait so you have kids and you're not married? Are they adopted?"

Perry wrinkled up his nose. Just a little longer...

_'No I'm adopted, but you don't need to know about that.' _He thought a moment before answering, "They're mine.", he said and added to himself. '_Even if the legal papers say I'm theirs.'_

"Okay so, is there a girl in the picture at all?" Vanessa ventured.

"Sometimes.." He said cheekily. At their looks he continued, "Hey I'm a bachelor, sue me!"

"Alright!" Doofensmirtz said gleefully and extended a hand for a high five. Perry slapped it and Vanessa huffed.

"Men."

Sensing a lull in conversation and thus in distraction, Perry couldn't help but drift back to his nightmares. Nightmares where he was discovered and either taken away or the boys were hurt.

"Whats the matter Perry?" Doofensmirtz asked pulling him out of his thoughts.

"...It's nothing..it's another family thing." He said quickly glad to leave it there, and leave while he was at it. His knee was free and the other was loosening readily.

"See Vanessa!" Doofensmirtz exclaimed. "Even Perry the goody-two-shoes has a messy family life! No household is perfect!"

Vanessa growled. "Yeah, but most families are normal and don't have an evil scientist-or a secret agent," She yelled angrily. "And would Perry even be a secret agent if there weren't evil scientists?"

Much as he wanted to escape he was a goody-two-shoes. He had to fix this. "Guys...GUYS...GUUUUUYS!" They looked at him and he coughed into his hand a bit embarrassed. "Right...C'mon Vanessa normal people lead such dull lives. What's an explosion in the kitchen every now and then?"

"But it's every. Day." She huffed.

"Yeah. How about making something with less..." Perry rolled his wrist not knowing the word he was looking for. "Kaboom." He decided.

His captors giggled.

"Smooth." Vanessa said before she and her father were taken to the floor by their giggles.

Perry rolled his eyes for the millionth time and pulled himself up one last time, effectively freeing himself. They didn't notice and continued laughing as he walked over to the inator and found a clearly labeled reverse switch right next to the off switch.

After turning himself back into a Platypus he went ahead and ht the self destruct button because, why not?

He chattered his goodbye and glided away to the sound of a curse you mixed in with the giggling of a normally stoic teenage girl.

All in all a good day.


End file.
